WHY HELLO

First off,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sorry I haven’t been posting as much. There has been A LOT going on lately.

I’ve been working two jobs, one at the café I’ve been working at for three-ish years, but now I also work at Anthropologie (I fell in love with this store years ago and been applying there for the last two years.)

And for the upcoming New Year, I will be shifting the focus of this blog as well as starting another blog too.

This blog will focus on spirituality, faith, Church, Christianity, hard questions about how this affects life and our preconceived ideas about all these things. (Some future topics: What makes someone or anything ‘Christian’ and how do you define it, the current idea of what Church is, a discussion of C.S. Lewis’s Till we Have Faces, ect…)

The second blog, will be an extension of this blog, what I’ve been calling a ‘sister blog’. This blog will be about art, fashion, and culture, where both inner and outer beauty meet personal faith.

Plus, I’m redesigning this blog.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas

With all my love,

Kristen

Not Young Enough

"I am not young enough to know everything." 

— Oscar Wilde

change the world

 

Great movie.

Viewfinder

We each have a certain way on how we perceive the world. How I perceive the world is through the lens of being an artist. I instantly notice colors, their tints and shades, the form and design of things and I understand everything through the creative process. (Which is kind of like the scientific method…but not at all.)

When I was studying Art in college, we would constantly discuss two things (during 4+ hour critiques for which there was never enough coffee): what is the purpose of an artist and what is ‘controversial’.

What I consider to be the purpose of an artist is the ability to see something, to deconstruct an idea to its most basic elements and then to reconstruct in order to give the viewer a novel and different perspective.

I have come to define controversial as something that will make you stop and forces you to truly think it through, for you to really reconsider and reevaluate the purpose and existence of something.

So when I first decided to blog again, I actually started a year ago with a different blog and a very different format. My original idea was just a place pick up on my writing again and to talk about my art, music, life, ect. I would end up writing a few short entries and forgetting about it.

In May, I decided to create another blog and attempt to keep up with it again. The idea was still the same, just a place to express myself.

Then I wrote a little post in July about church and it changed everything.

When I wrote it, I was trying to get over my own personal hurt with a little humor and hope. This post took a whole life of its own by going viral (close to 1,000 hits, and the blog itself, close to 3,000). Everyday since I have posted, at least one person reads it. It changed the whole idea of what this blog was going to be about. Now this blog has more of an intense focus on how Faith juxtaposes with everything else in life.

I have received (and continue to receive) a lot of feedback from my entries. Some of it was encouragement, some could relate, some missed my points entirely, and, as expected, there was a lot of negative criticisms. But I did receive a lot of one thing that I was not expecting: I received a lot of warnings.

Questions like:

“Are you doing this for the right reasons?”

“Do you realize how this could be perceived?”

Most of the warning came from people who genuinely care about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. But it really did make me question what I was doing.

In the last month or so, I have felt so much fear and doubt about this. This has been an incredible struggle for me. I’ve had paralyzing writers block for weeks. Uncertainty began to fill me. I was concerned that people will think I’m angry and I want bring down the church. That I just wanted to stir up pointless, argumentative debate. Was I really doing this for the right reasons?

Then I started thinking, what are those right reasons?

My blog is still a form of expression, but in a different way now. This blog isn’t about me anymore.

I understand the taboo nature of the topic I have been addressing. I understand it makes people uncomfortable. This will not be a place where I want to drag people down, call out names, point fingers, gossip, complain and blame others. I’m not here for you to pick sides that I’m right and ‘they’re’ wrong. And yes, I can be labeled as some one who has been ‘wounded by the church.’ I have been hurt, but that does not make what I say worthless.

In art, when someone wants to critique a large work, or to just focus on a detail on anything or to simply see something in a different way, oftentimes they will make a viewfinder. A viewfinder is when you cut out a small 1in square in the middle of a piece of paper. When you look through the small square, it forces you to see things in a different, more focused perspective.

When I first heard the song Hosanna around four years ago, the lyrics really hit home for me.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

These words became my prayer and it’s a dangerous prayer to pray. To ask God all of these things is like walking out to a fierce battle. To heal my heart and make it clean? I had to let go all of my hurt and my own bitterness. That was the only way I can open my eyes to the things I could not see with my human eyes, to see things how God sees. Which means to see the things we tend to ignore, the things we don’t like to see. God, show me how to love like You have loved me, to love everyone with a love of absolute and total forgiveness, no favoritism and with complete sacrifice.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours, I can no longer be apathetic and selfish. I want to feel deeply and passionately for others, in their happiness and joy as well as in their pain and suffering. I want to feel conviction in my soul when something is wrong. And everything I am for the purpose of Your Kingdom. Everything I am. To be utterly humble in this life as we continue to eternity.

That prayer has become my view and God my Viewfinder.

The right reason for this blog is that God has called me to do this. When He calls you to do anything, I have come to realize in my short time on this earth, is that He gives you a passion or a vision and He will lead you one step at a time. With that comes paralyzing doubt, people will criticize you, and will more or less just hate you (ex: Abraham, Joseph, Nehemiah, Jesus’ disciples, Paul, anyone called to ministry.) I know I could never do this on my own. If I did do this on my own, for my own name and glory, it will definitely be a failure (Acts 5:34-39).

The purpose of this blog is to be what I was created to be. When God stirs something within me, I will deconstruct ideas and reconstruct them best I can for my viewers to provoke your thoughts and to truly reconsider things.

Yeah, I guess it could be called controversial.

beautiful people.

In Erasing Hell does it really mean that Love Wins?

So I was finally able to read Rob Bell’s controversial book Love Wins as well as Francis Chan’s response to it, Erasing Hell. (I will be referring to Rob Bell as RB, Love Wins as LW, Francis Chan as FC and Erasing Hell as EH for the duration of the post.)

LW has been the ‘it’ book to argue, I mean, discuss about for the last few months. The book is actually not introducing a new perspective on Christianity. RB is persuading to see a different interpretation that Heaven and Hell are not real places, but are in the here and now. As well as how can an all-loving, all-powerful God would send people to torment and punishment forever in Hell simply because we made the wrong choice in this short life. He also discusses the idea that Jesus is not the ‘only way’ to heaven.

I wanted to read LW out of sheer curiosity to see what all the hype was about. My plan was to give it a fair chance, to not jump to conclusions or get angry at the first statement I didn’t agree with. I’m not here to knock RB, to be holier-than-thou or be a ‘spiritual peacock’ and self-righteously spew out all my biblical knowledge on the topic. I’m here to give my take on it. So without further ado, I found it to be a tough read for two reasons.

My first reason is that it was really hard to follow. It’s one question, followed by another question by another, leading you down this perplexing journey of questions. These questions had a tendency to go off on strange tangents. Simply because I was confused by his writing style, I decided to take notes (not in the good way) so i could work out his thought process fully in the way it deserved.

Asking hard questions are not necessarily a bad thing, actually asking hard questions is quite important. I don’t believe you should believe anything blindly. Asking questions helps you reach a better understanding.

But in my very honest (and bookworm) opinion is that he was trying to throw dust in your eyes, play devil’s advocate and manipulate people. I have read enough books in the same nature and genre to realize this type of writing. He’s playing Christians like a violin to intentionally stir controversy. 

Which got me thinking, if he really is writing with this in mind, what are his real intentions? Does he really care about people like he is claiming to do in LW? **

My second reason was that everything discussed in the book disturbed my soul deeply. It brought up some hard questions that I needed to come to some conclusion myself. When you’re asking these types of questions, one book is not enough to form a conclusion. RB is asking a lot of questions,  so you should look further and ask more. I had to read EH to see both sides of the argument and get a fully rounded understanding. It was a huge help in directing me to my own conclusions.

So it boils down to one question in the end.

In erasing Hell, does it really mean that love wins?

(See what I did there? I’m so clever. Haha JK)

In LW, it brought something to light. We don’t like talking about Hell. We don’t like talking about the possibility of people we know and love being punished because of a choice made in this life. We don’t like a God that judges us. We’re not big fans of a preacher who talks about fire and brimstone and condemnation. When I say, I’m including myself in this. It’s scary.

But just because we don’t like to talk about some things does not make it okay to ignore them completely.

If Hell is a real place that means that what we do in this life has real and serious consequences. The reality of Hell reflects a heavier responsibility on us.

With this knowledge, you and I cannot simply sit around and argue that I like the term Christ Follower more than Christian over our Starbucks coffee anymore. The harsh truth that Hell exists should compel us to act immediately. We need to get out of our own comfort, to reach out to everyone and share that there is a God who loves them.

RB in the first chapter also brings up a few good questions about what it is to be Christian though he never gives us a clear answer. The conclusion I came up with is this. To be ‘Christian’ it is not just believing and saying the right words with your eyes closed. RB was right when he said Jesus is bigger than any one religion. It is the daily decision to choose your fate. It is constant denial of your selfish intention, to die daily. It is to get to know God more intimately by studying His Word everyday. It is to love your neighbor (which is EVERYONE). It is to care for the single moms, the elderly, the least of these. It is to help the helpless, feed the hungry and care for the poor. It is to baptize and create disciples in every nation.

God’s amazing and overflowing love can only win if we change how we live and share that Jesus is the only way as is clearly stated in John 14:6.

“This is not just about doctrine; it’s about destinies. And if you’re reading this book and wrestling with what the Bible says about hell, you cannot let this be a mere academic exercise. You must let Jesus’ very real teaching on hell sober you up. You must let Jesus’ words reconfigure the way you live, the way you talk, and the way you see the world and the people around you.”

-Francis Chan, Erasing Hell

So in erasing Hell does Love win? Well, the answer for me is no. Hell is a harsh truth and a real consequence. Jesus is the only way. I won’t apologize for my complex God. And being a Christian isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but a daily choice and action.

But don’t take my word for it. Ask the hard questions and find out for yourself.

---------

Here are some other books I suggest for you to read as well as Love Wins and Erasing Hell:

Mere Christianity and The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis… actually, all of his books.

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

The Dawkins Delusion by Alister McGrath

god is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens

Notes from Underground by Fydor Dostoevsky (It’s not totally on the same topic, but it’s kind of a stream of consciousness writing about thinking too much and existentialism. One of my all time favorite quotes is from this novel, “To be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease.”)

**As a reader, I like to get to know the author a bit. I think it helps in understanding their writing no matter what the genre is.

Francis Chan was the founding pastor for Cornerstone Community Church in CA and stepped down recently in 2010 from his pastoral role. He has written several books (Crazy Love is on my list of books to read next) as well as speak at conferences (which I have had the pleasure of seeing him in September 2010). 

He “gives away about 90 percent of his income (though his church administrator preferred the phrase "most of his income"). Chan doesn't take a salary from his church, and his book royalties, which total about $500,000, mostly go to organizations like International Justice Mission, which rescues sex slaves in foreign countries.”

Rob Bell has also stepped down from his pastoral role at Mars Hill Bible Church pretty recently to pursue other avenues in publishing and speaking tours. One such project is a new spiritual drama on ABC. The show will be cowritten with a writer from the hit show LOST. The show ‘Stronger’ will be loosely based off his life. He and his family have relocated to LA for this new venture.

‘While based on biblical principles, Bell's brand of spirituality is not about hard-core evangelical, fire-and-brimstone teachings,’ New York Magazine reports. ‘Instead, his goal is to service folks' spiritual needs without the overlay of religious dogma.’ "

Sources

Love Wins by Rob Bell.

Erasing Hell by Francis Chan

Article on Franics Chan

Article on Rob Bell stepping down from Mars Hill

Article on Rob Bell’s spiritual drama

Indifference

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."

— Elie Wiesel

My Vice Verses.

When I was around 12 yrs old, I fell in love with three things that will explain why I am the way I am. 

Lord of the Rings

Josh Groban

Switchfoot

Lord of the Rings explains my love for very long, multi plot books, all things fantasy and science fiction, movies in general, history, swords, C.S. Lewis and why green is my favorite color.

Josh Groban was born out of my lifelong love of Celine Dion, but would introduce me to love operas, showtunes, foreign languages and PBS specials.

Switchfoot and more specifically the lead singer Jon Foreman, their influence was more subtle than others but possibly had the greatest- most obvious would be my preference in music, singer/songwriter.

I’m a little ashamed to tell you how I first found out about Switchfoot. Some of you may have heard of the movie A Walk to Remember? This movie would introduce to all my friends and I to the author Nicholas Sparks and his countless other books plus their film adaptations. He just might be the reason why I despise most chick flicks and even the romance genre (but that is a whole other conversation all together).

At that time, my obsession with bubblegum pop bands was now waning and I was attempting to be a punk rock kid, even though I knew I would never be quite punk enough. But my friends and I happened to all fall in love with the Walk to Remember soundtrack, which featured a few songs by Switchfoot. It was love at first chord. So I guess I can’t truly hate Nicholas Sparks after all.

Right before I would start high school, I would see them in concert and bought the first couple of their CDs (I had a walkman, a bright orange thing with a huge NOTW sticker). And almost by default, they would become my favorite band. They were my ‘go to’ when I was trying to figure life and myself out. When I needed advice, I listened to them.

This is why I tell people that I blame Switchfoot for why I think the way I think. They influenced the type of art or design work I make because I kept trying to copy their album art or illustrate their songs. Even how I approach my faith as well. A few years back they were on the cover of CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) and the tag line for the article was how they were “Christian by faith, not by genre.” I remember they got a lot of negative reviews and criticisms for it too, but for me, it helped me formulate what being a Christian is. It wasn’t just a way to ‘categorize’ myself, but how I would live my life.

So all of this to say that I am extremely excited for the new album Vice Verses since I first found the song itself on Youtube a while back. (and I found a way to stream the full album…once again, love it.) But, as always, when I actually sat down and really listened to Vice Verses, it got me thinking…what are my vice verses?

In my quiet desperation of the emptiness, I realized that there has got to be something more that what I’m living for. I want more than this world’s got to offer. I want more than the war of my fathers and everything inside of me screams for second life.

But do we even know what life is outside of our convenient Lexus cages? When success is equated with excess, the ambition for excess wrecks us. See, I’ve got hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk and two hundred bucks. I pass go, but life has taken its toll. Have I won Monopoly to forfeit my soul?

And maybe I’ve been the problem, maybe I am the one to blame. I have truly made a mess of me. I am my own affliction. I am my own disease. I’ve seen the darkest things crawling inside of me and I’ve seen the monsters come alive. I’ve seen the enemy, the nightmare follows me search the darkness for a light.

Yet, I keep searching for a light. I dare to ask the hard questions about life and love and more importantly, why. I want to know my heart is still beating. What does it really mean to live? What does it mean to die? What direction am I going to take? Death or action?! For life begins at the intersection, at the fallout, the resistance. Where the tension is between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. When I am down on my knees, who or what do I believe?

That love is something to stand and fight for. Love is the movement. Love is a revolution. So let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin. Let my fingers crack and let my world fall apart. Let your love be strong! And I won’t care what goes down. There is no song louder than love.

I will take ownership of my faith in God and challenge it. I will stand on the edge of everything I’ve never been before. I know everything inside me looks like everything I hate. I realize that You are the hope I have for change. You are the only chance I’ll take. God gave His life to put motion in my soul. It’s bigger than cold religion. It’s bigger than life.

That it is okay to feel fear, anger, doubt, and despair. To ask, where is God in all this pain? Where is God in the earthquake? Where is God in the genocide? Will justice ever find me? Do the wicked never lose? My heart is darker than these oceans, my heart is frozen underneath. Oh Lord, why did you forsake me? Oh Lord, don’t be far away. Just let me know that You hear me. Let me know Your touch. Let me know that You love me and let that be enough.

And in this world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt, I was trying so hard to fit in. It was such a beautiful letdown when I found out that I really don’t belong here. I realized that only the losers win because they’ve got nothing to prove. They’ll leave this world with nothing to lose. I’ve got a contract pending on eternity. So if I haven’t already given it away, I’ve got a plan to lose it all.

I’m so desperate to be alive that I’ll give it all away. Nothing I was holding back remains. I’m looking for the grace of God today. Hallelujah, I'm caving in. Hallelujah, I'm in love again. Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance. God, this is the way that I say I need You. This is the way that I say I love You. This is the way that I say I’m yours. I am always Yours.

Please, sing to me the song of the stars of Your galaxy dancing and laughing. When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again. Your love is a symphony. It is all around me, running through me. Your love is a remedy. Your love is a song. And I will lift my hands and pray to be only Yours. I know now that You are my only hope.

I want Salvation to be the fire in the midnight of my soul. I want to see miracles, see the world change. I want to be a freedom fighter, to be a stand up kind of girl. I’m out to start a fire in this bar code plastic world. I want to burn out bright.

So thank you Jon Foreman and Switchfoot for making melodies and showing me my vice verses. 

9/26/2011: P.S Just saw them live in NYC and i am blown away. Jon's aftershow was amazing, right in the middle of Time Square. I got a signed copy of Vices Verses and t shirt FINALLY. A great album...Souvenirs and Restless are currently my favorites. But again, thank you Switchfoot (and Anberlin) for a great night. 

Roughly 30 minutes later: THE ENTIRE NEW ALBUM IS MY FAVORITE

 

Songs Mentioned

Good Night Punk

 Something More (Augustine’s Confession)

 Meant to Live

Gone

American Dream

Company Car

Stars

Mess of Me

Daylight to Break

Life and Love and Why

Awakening

Vice Verses

Faust, Midas and Myself

Dare You to Move

Innocence Again

Love is the Movement

Let Your Love Be Strong

The Sound (John M. Perkin’s Blues)

On Fire

The Blues

Let That Be Enough

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

The Beautiful Letdown

Loser

Always

Learning to Breathe

Only Hope

Your Love is a Song

Amy’s Song

24

Burn Out Bright

On Dating...

So, have I told you about who I’ve been seeing lately? We talk every night. He’s a magnificent 
artist and so caring. He thinks about me all the time. He has a really weird sense of humor, 
but I’ve come to love it. It really is different this time with him. He’s always there for me. 
He continues to love me even when I’m at my worst.

The crazy thing is you all know him, or have at least heard about him. Some of you are really good friends with him.

Have you figured it out who he is?

I’m dating God.

Yes. I am fully aware how corny it sounds and how weird it can be taken. But hear me out.

Growing up as a ‘Christian Kid’, I went to youth group, to the retreats, the conferences, the camps. When I was 13, I did the whole True Love Waits ceremony … thing. I even have a promise necklace (that I kept breaking the chain. My parents and I were a bit worried what that could possibly mean…haha) Actually there was a time that my parents convinced me that I was going to have an arranged marriage, but that is another story all together on how my parents have a twisted sense of humor.

Purity, dating (in a negative sense) and ‘saving yourself’ for marriage were main topics as a Christian teen. Every devotional and Christian book written for young adults revolved around these topics. I got to a point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I got it, don’t be stupid when it comes to sex and boys. Plus, I already had it in my mind to just not date in high school. All I had to do was to look at my friends and the drama they were in. For me, that was better than any purity talk.

But there was always one phrase though always stuck with me, “A girl should be so lost in God that a boy must search Him to find her.”

After high school, there’s college. And suddenly I’m meeting a lot of new people, especially dorming at college and attending a new church. It was in those few years, I would learn a lot about people and relationships in general.

During last year, I had an unhealthy friendship with a guy. I think we both always knew, but when I finally was aware of how unhealthy it was (looking back, it was God really tugging at my heart.), I decided that we could not be friends and ended any and all form of communication with him. It was really hard because we talked everyday. Just to add to it all, I realized that I would not be able to attend college in the spring because I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Coincidentally, my family just happened to get Netflix. I caught up every night on my nerdy B-rated scifi tv shows and was finally able to finish Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And it was awesome.

But halfway through Buffy, I came to the conclusion that this may not be exactly the best way to deal with things.

It was in early January, the month of new beginnings and making resolutions. I make this resolution every year, but I was going to take it a bit more seriously. I decided to read the Bible in one year, and do a bible study/prayer journal/just spending time with God. I was already in the habit of talking to someone every night. So this time, it stuck.

By February, I jokingly told the small group I was attending at the time that I’ve been ‘rebounding’ on God in trying to explain my relationship and personal time with God.

Early summer, I noticed that I just wasn’t rebounding on God, but I really was dating Him. I have to say, dating God has been really wonderful. It has been a pretty tough year, but I know He’s not going to say “I can’t handle this, I’m leaving” or “Kristen, my feelings have changed…so…bye.” He will always be there. After knowing every thing about me, every detail, every mistake, every lie, every flaw, He still loves me. He’s given me confidence, understanding, strength, and love. He pursued me like none other, and continues to pursue me. All things a good boyfriend should do. Also all those things I heard about purity as a teen started to make a bit more sense to me now too.

After everything, I really never believed in dating for the sake of dating. I ‘date’ with the intention of finding someone I could make a life with. I’m also a huge fan of being friends with someone before you make that decision to be in a romantic relationship. My prayer has been that God will give me neon signs saying that He wants me to be with this person. Even if the relationship doesn’t end up with wedding bells, a white dress and a ring, I pray that it will bring me closer to God or to the person God wants him and I to be, to be a sacred moment.

I also think we should take our time too! Is it just me, or is it like the unwritten rule that if you are 23 and a Christian, you should be married or at least engaged.  I feel like every time I go on facebook, someone somewhere is engaged, or getting married. If you found that person, I am so happy for you and wish you the best, I truly do. But for the others who feel that pressure, we have our whole lives in front of us. Don’t stress about it. Take your time. Really figure out who you are and what complements you best. Focus on God and that person will appear out of nowhere, I’m sure. And when God shows you who that is, don’t let that person slip away.

But for now, I’m going to continue dating God. It’s something I think I will continue to do for the rest of my life. In doing this, I feel like when I’m actually in a relationship with whomever that man is, I’ll have a firm foundation. I want to be so lost in God that whoever my Husband will be has to search Him to find me. That is the type of man I want be with.

I dedicate this to all the Single Ladies (and even single guys too)

Authority

"Authority is given first by God and secondly by those who follow you. It is given, it is a gift not to be abused but to be protected, to be appreciated, to be valued, to realize how precious it is. So it is in your sphere and in your influence, we don't use it to control people or dictate to people! That is what insecure leaders do that do not know who they are in Christ. We use it to bless people, to build people up."

--Judah Smith

Everyone You Meet

Current Read: Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

 
 I highly suggest this book. I finished it in one night and one day… I just could not put it down. Jay Asher’s debut novel was a brilliant and mind blowing read. And if you let it, this book truly pierces you to the heart.

“Hello, boys and girls. Hannah Baker here. Live and in stereo. No return engagements. No encore. And this time, absolutely no requests. I hope you’re ready, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you’re listening to the tapes, you’re one of the reasons why.”

The story is about the aftermath of girl who had lost all hope and faith in life and commits suicide. But, she created thirteen tapes for thirteen people the thirteen reasons why she did it. We hear the tapes from the perspective of Clay Jensen, a boy who doesn’t understand why he’s even on the tapes.

What scared me when I was reading the book was that I understood Hannah a little too well.

She didn’t have just one reason for what she did; it was one small thing that leads to another slightly bigger thing. “Everything…affects everything.” She referred to it as a snowball effect. It’s amazing how everything in life flows in and out of one another.

An ‘innocent’ rumor from a ‘slight’ exaggeration creates a reputation. An image people assume is really you, never trying or even wanting to find out the truth about a situation…or themselves.

"I guess that's the point of it all. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes we have no clue. Yet we push on just the same." –Hannah Baker

Do you ever wonder about this? How something you consider small affects someone else? The interactions we have with people, the true weight they could carry?

I constantly think about this. Isn’t it the smallest things that could change our life forever? It’s just one moment. A smile, a look, a hello, a goodbye, or simple silence could change our lives in a blink of an eye.

Also, fear. The fear of being hurt by others, the fear of rejection and of failure. This fear…it governs how we think, how we act. When you really think about it, it’s a very selfish way to be. How willing we are to take the blame off ourselves, to blame circumstance and others, but we never can blame ourselves. Our pride and our selfishness can cause so much pain and hurt and destruction…it can even take someone’s life.

Like Hannah, I’ve pushed people away after being hurt so much. To lose faith in people because of betrayal is a lonely place. You push everyone away as a last defense to protect yourself. I thank God that there is a God because when I was at my lowest, He truly held my hand and carried me through. I didn’t realize it then, but now looking back, I don't know where I would be without Him.

I won’t tell you Hannah’s reason for Clay, but it was an …interesting reason. If and when you read this book, all I will say is don’t let fear hold you back. Take a risk and live. What ifs are worse than apologies and mistakes. Even if it hurts right now, you at least can say that you tried. And in the end, trying and failing is better than never doing anything at all.

Read Hannah’s story. Learn from her mistakes. Learn from Clay’s mistake. Learn from her thirteen reasons.

And more importantly, live.

Brazil: Tudo Bem? Tudo Bem :)

the Brazil team

First, I thank all of you for your prayers and what you gave so I could even go on this life-changing trip to Brazil. It was a humbling experience for me as well as a reminder how truly blessed I am.

A few weeks before I was supposed to be leaving, I didn’t think I was able to go to Brazil. I was feeling so much doubt and the last thing I wanted to be doing was leaving the country to go on a mission’s trip. I didn’t even know how I was going to pay for any of it on time. I was already discussing with the leaders of the trip about pulling out at that point. A few days later, I get a call from one of them saying someone had anonymously decided to cover the rest of my finances so I could go. I was in absolute shock and astounded. God had performed a miracle and I now knew I had to go to Brazil. Thank you so much anonymous person, I am so grateful and I hope you read this.

The church that hosted this trip, Princeton Alliance Church is affiliated with something called Hope Unlimited. Hope started because in the early 90’s, street kids were literally being shot and killed because they were seen as a ‘public nuisance.’ The best way I can explain what Hope Unlimited today is an orphanage the Brazilian government sends children who are so physically, mentally and/or emotionally abused and cannot stay in their current situations anymore. They take in kids and give them an education, structure, and most importantly, love. If you would like to read more about Hope Unlimited, click here!

The specific purpose of our trip was to help out with a camp/retreat during their winter break. (Fun Fact: Brazil has winter and it’s actually cold at night. Like down to 40’s cold.)

After our 10 hour flight that I could not sleep on, we landed in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Brazil itself is an amazing and distinctive country. At first, and through out the entire trip, I was taken aback by the graffiti. I didn’t realize that Brazil was in fact known for its street art and graffiti. They truly take their street art seriously. It was beautiful and gritty and so full of talent. The graffiti was definitely a huge reflection of Brazil’s culture and the people’s struggle with such vast differences in class, poverty and government. The craziest thing…I can’t even fathom that this even happens… is this thing called an Invasion. A lot of the favelas, or slums, are created this way. From what I understood it to be is that people come together and plan to invade a piece of private but open land, then they take whatever they can, wood, cardboard, tarp, anything, to create a ‘shack’ and claim that piece of land as their own. If the government does not intervene fast enough, that land legally becomes theirs. I was amazed that something like that happens today. 

The town right outside the Cidade Dos Meninos

City of the Children, this is where the boys live and go to school.

One of the girl's houses where we had lunch.

The camp itself, with my darling friend, Lindsay.

Now, I love doing camp. I’ve done some form of camp every summer for as long as I can remember. And I’m pretty sure I have done it all. I’ve attended day camps, sleep away camps, been a counselor for both day camp and sleep away camp ( any age between preschool through junior high), been in charge of crafts, bible time, drama, and music, photography/media, ect. In short, I love camp.  But, I have to say that this camp was awesome. It was nestled in the hills and the view I woke up to was simply…gorgeous. The kids were so friendly and loving. I felt so blessed by all of them. Many kids (and adults) thought I was Brazilian and would assume I spoke Portuguese fluently, which caused hilarious situations.  I tried learning as much as I could, but I simply could not get it down. (So I made sure to be really good friends with one of the translators and we actually became really good friends by the end of the week.) But even with the massive language barrier between the kids and I, I learned that friendship bracelets, face painting, and sarcasm transcend all differences.

face painting

If you are more curious about the whole camp experience and Princeton Alliance Church’s relationship with them, check out their Brazil Missions blog and the blog, Refuge Benefit Concerts, which is how I first heard about Hope Unlimited. 

 

On our last day there, the buses were supposed to pick us up in the afternoon but they would end up coming later that night. After packing and cleaning up the camp, we all had a time to just relax and process the week. I took this moment to sneak off from the group and lay on one of the main hills to look at the stars. There were so many stars, and they look so different to me that night.

During that time, I simply was a mess. I was just having this conversation with God about so many things. My heart was breaking for these children that I had spent the week with, my relationships with people back home, the idea of letting go, and of forgiveness. One of the main themes of the week was being challenged to not just exist, but to live out the big things God has called us to do.  I find that we we are so easily blinded by our issues and failures that we forget how blessed we are. Brazil and the wonderful, beautiful kids at Hope reminded me how blessed I am, to be grateful and to be content in all situations. Basic principles, but when you let those sink in, they are powerful and will change how you live everyday. I never want to forget how to live with gratitude and awareness of others, in honor of the kids I spent my week with. It is the very least I can do for them.

GO BLUE TEAM!!!

Saude, Kristen. 

[Eden]

"We all long for [Eden], and we are constantly glimpsing it: our whole nature...is still soaked with the sense of exile."

J.R.R. Tolkien

The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien

it's a way to live.

All We Need Is Love

I had every intention of writing sooner, but I was on an amazing missions trip to Brazil (in which I will write about in a later post). I really want to thank everyone for all the support and the encouragement. Words simply cannot explain how completely overwhelmed and grateful I am for it all.

The inspiration of my last post was on how the love between God and us, the love between a bride and groom, has been distorted and forgotten in the Church.  The greatest and most famous chapter on love which is in countless romance movies, TV shows, novels and performed at so many weddings was not written for a lovesick boy or girl, but from Paul to the church at Corinth.

1 Corinthians 13:1-7, 13

   ¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^{3 -7}If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end…

… ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

No matter how many ‘good’ things we do, no matter how much money we raise for charities, no matter how many meals we give to the poor, no matter how many people attend our services, no matter how awesome you preach, teach or reach the ‘lost’, if you do all these things with out love…it is nothing. It is worthless and it is a failure, a clanging cymbal.

I ask you, what makes my story, and countless others, so terribly wrong?  It is because it was handled without love. I can understand personal differences or not seeing things eye to eye, but with how we were treated, there was no love.

I think many of us in the Church have forgotten our purpose and even forgotten the God that has called us. We have missed our charge, getting caught up in the traditions and the religion of things.  In Matthew 22:36-40, “³⁶‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?’ ³⁷And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.’ ”

The solution to our problem is not criticizing or pointing fingers at one another. I’m tired of people complaining, bashing and knocking the church. I’m tired of hearing people talking about what is wrong with the church and not doing anything.  I still love the church dearly. It is out of that love I say these things.

And the solution is not isolation. I know how hard is to be open to a new group of believers after being so hurt and ruined by another. To be honest, I haven’t attended a church on a Sunday regularly because just the act of getting up and getting ready Sunday morning is still too painful for me. But I have to realize that this is but a passing shadow. A new day will come, and I will find home with a group of fellow believers… But for right now, I am surrounding myself with other strong Christians, hanging out with them and spending time with them regularly. I constantly am seeking God as to where He needs me to go.  I have not given up on the Church.

When I decided to share my story, it was not to point fingers or to blame someone, but to point out an issue that needs to be addressed. I knew what I was going to say would be controversial, but in the end I knew it was something that needed to be said. My prayer was that in sharing my story, that God would be able to use me. Even though what I went through was terrible and painful, that God will still get the glory.

Before I had decided to post my story, I was reminded of another story. It starts in Acts 4 with Peter and John standing before the council and it continues in chapter 5:12 – 42 when the Peter and the apostles were arrested for spreading the gospel. It is a favorite of mine and I highly suggest you read these stories in their entirety. But a few verses have always stood out for me:

Acts 4:13

 ¹³ Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus.

Acts 5:38-39

³⁸So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; ³⁹but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" So they took his advice.

This is exactly how I felt – small, uneducated and common. My prayer for months now has been to have the boldness that Peter and John had, to be bold about the things of God and God’s plan for my life. Even the Sadducees realized that their boldness was not their own, but God’s. One of the chief Sadducees, Gamaliel, had the wisdom to see that if what Peter and John doing was of God, it would not fail. In their own blindness, they could be found opposing God. 

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We have all seen this problem. The solution is we have to remember to love. Selflessly, boldly, unconditionally, just how Christ loves you and I. Have you ever loved someone despite their flaws, your personal differences and without expecting anything back? It is the most beautiful thing in this life. Only by God’s help, because I most certainly cannot on my own, I am trying to love the people, the Church, who have hurt me.

The only way we can change the Church is for us to change ourselves. My intention was to stir hearts, to open people’s eyes. I challenge you to seek God and pray about this. I challenge all of us to now act upon this knowledge, to not be silent anymore. I challenge you to search your own heart…to love, to be bold, to act. Let us pray for the boldness of the apostles, the boldness of Peter and Paul. Let us speak truth like Christ. Let us unite under God’s love and let us start a change that is so desperately needed. Stand with me, for we are the Church, my brothers and my sisters. I cannot do this alone.