Not Young Enough

"I am not young enough to know everything." 

— Oscar Wilde

change the world

 

Great movie.

Viewfinder

We each have a certain way on how we perceive the world. How I perceive the world is through the lens of being an artist. I instantly notice colors, their tints and shades, the form and design of things and I understand everything through the creative process. (Which is kind of like the scientific method…but not at all.)

When I was studying Art in college, we would constantly discuss two things (during 4+ hour critiques for which there was never enough coffee): what is the purpose of an artist and what is ‘controversial’.

What I consider to be the purpose of an artist is the ability to see something, to deconstruct an idea to its most basic elements and then to reconstruct in order to give the viewer a novel and different perspective.

I have come to define controversial as something that will make you stop and forces you to truly think it through, for you to really reconsider and reevaluate the purpose and existence of something.

So when I first decided to blog again, I actually started a year ago with a different blog and a very different format. My original idea was just a place pick up on my writing again and to talk about my art, music, life, ect. I would end up writing a few short entries and forgetting about it.

In May, I decided to create another blog and attempt to keep up with it again. The idea was still the same, just a place to express myself.

Then I wrote a little post in July about church and it changed everything.

When I wrote it, I was trying to get over my own personal hurt with a little humor and hope. This post took a whole life of its own by going viral (close to 1,000 hits, and the blog itself, close to 3,000). Everyday since I have posted, at least one person reads it. It changed the whole idea of what this blog was going to be about. Now this blog has more of an intense focus on how Faith juxtaposes with everything else in life.

I have received (and continue to receive) a lot of feedback from my entries. Some of it was encouragement, some could relate, some missed my points entirely, and, as expected, there was a lot of negative criticisms. But I did receive a lot of one thing that I was not expecting: I received a lot of warnings.

Questions like:

“Are you doing this for the right reasons?”

“Do you realize how this could be perceived?”

Most of the warning came from people who genuinely care about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. But it really did make me question what I was doing.

In the last month or so, I have felt so much fear and doubt about this. This has been an incredible struggle for me. I’ve had paralyzing writers block for weeks. Uncertainty began to fill me. I was concerned that people will think I’m angry and I want bring down the church. That I just wanted to stir up pointless, argumentative debate. Was I really doing this for the right reasons?

Then I started thinking, what are those right reasons?

My blog is still a form of expression, but in a different way now. This blog isn’t about me anymore.

I understand the taboo nature of the topic I have been addressing. I understand it makes people uncomfortable. This will not be a place where I want to drag people down, call out names, point fingers, gossip, complain and blame others. I’m not here for you to pick sides that I’m right and ‘they’re’ wrong. And yes, I can be labeled as some one who has been ‘wounded by the church.’ I have been hurt, but that does not make what I say worthless.

In art, when someone wants to critique a large work, or to just focus on a detail on anything or to simply see something in a different way, oftentimes they will make a viewfinder. A viewfinder is when you cut out a small 1in square in the middle of a piece of paper. When you look through the small square, it forces you to see things in a different, more focused perspective.

When I first heard the song Hosanna around four years ago, the lyrics really hit home for me.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

These words became my prayer and it’s a dangerous prayer to pray. To ask God all of these things is like walking out to a fierce battle. To heal my heart and make it clean? I had to let go all of my hurt and my own bitterness. That was the only way I can open my eyes to the things I could not see with my human eyes, to see things how God sees. Which means to see the things we tend to ignore, the things we don’t like to see. God, show me how to love like You have loved me, to love everyone with a love of absolute and total forgiveness, no favoritism and with complete sacrifice.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours, I can no longer be apathetic and selfish. I want to feel deeply and passionately for others, in their happiness and joy as well as in their pain and suffering. I want to feel conviction in my soul when something is wrong. And everything I am for the purpose of Your Kingdom. Everything I am. To be utterly humble in this life as we continue to eternity.

That prayer has become my view and God my Viewfinder.

The right reason for this blog is that God has called me to do this. When He calls you to do anything, I have come to realize in my short time on this earth, is that He gives you a passion or a vision and He will lead you one step at a time. With that comes paralyzing doubt, people will criticize you, and will more or less just hate you (ex: Abraham, Joseph, Nehemiah, Jesus’ disciples, Paul, anyone called to ministry.) I know I could never do this on my own. If I did do this on my own, for my own name and glory, it will definitely be a failure (Acts 5:34-39).

The purpose of this blog is to be what I was created to be. When God stirs something within me, I will deconstruct ideas and reconstruct them best I can for my viewers to provoke your thoughts and to truly reconsider things.

Yeah, I guess it could be called controversial.