Indifference

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."

— Elie Wiesel

My Vice Verses.

When I was around 12 yrs old, I fell in love with three things that will explain why I am the way I am. 

Lord of the Rings

Josh Groban

Switchfoot

Lord of the Rings explains my love for very long, multi plot books, all things fantasy and science fiction, movies in general, history, swords, C.S. Lewis and why green is my favorite color.

Josh Groban was born out of my lifelong love of Celine Dion, but would introduce me to love operas, showtunes, foreign languages and PBS specials.

Switchfoot and more specifically the lead singer Jon Foreman, their influence was more subtle than others but possibly had the greatest- most obvious would be my preference in music, singer/songwriter.

I’m a little ashamed to tell you how I first found out about Switchfoot. Some of you may have heard of the movie A Walk to Remember? This movie would introduce to all my friends and I to the author Nicholas Sparks and his countless other books plus their film adaptations. He just might be the reason why I despise most chick flicks and even the romance genre (but that is a whole other conversation all together).

At that time, my obsession with bubblegum pop bands was now waning and I was attempting to be a punk rock kid, even though I knew I would never be quite punk enough. But my friends and I happened to all fall in love with the Walk to Remember soundtrack, which featured a few songs by Switchfoot. It was love at first chord. So I guess I can’t truly hate Nicholas Sparks after all.

Right before I would start high school, I would see them in concert and bought the first couple of their CDs (I had a walkman, a bright orange thing with a huge NOTW sticker). And almost by default, they would become my favorite band. They were my ‘go to’ when I was trying to figure life and myself out. When I needed advice, I listened to them.

This is why I tell people that I blame Switchfoot for why I think the way I think. They influenced the type of art or design work I make because I kept trying to copy their album art or illustrate their songs. Even how I approach my faith as well. A few years back they were on the cover of CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) and the tag line for the article was how they were “Christian by faith, not by genre.” I remember they got a lot of negative reviews and criticisms for it too, but for me, it helped me formulate what being a Christian is. It wasn’t just a way to ‘categorize’ myself, but how I would live my life.

So all of this to say that I am extremely excited for the new album Vice Verses since I first found the song itself on Youtube a while back. (and I found a way to stream the full album…once again, love it.) But, as always, when I actually sat down and really listened to Vice Verses, it got me thinking…what are my vice verses?

In my quiet desperation of the emptiness, I realized that there has got to be something more that what I’m living for. I want more than this world’s got to offer. I want more than the war of my fathers and everything inside of me screams for second life.

But do we even know what life is outside of our convenient Lexus cages? When success is equated with excess, the ambition for excess wrecks us. See, I’ve got hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk and two hundred bucks. I pass go, but life has taken its toll. Have I won Monopoly to forfeit my soul?

And maybe I’ve been the problem, maybe I am the one to blame. I have truly made a mess of me. I am my own affliction. I am my own disease. I’ve seen the darkest things crawling inside of me and I’ve seen the monsters come alive. I’ve seen the enemy, the nightmare follows me search the darkness for a light.

Yet, I keep searching for a light. I dare to ask the hard questions about life and love and more importantly, why. I want to know my heart is still beating. What does it really mean to live? What does it mean to die? What direction am I going to take? Death or action?! For life begins at the intersection, at the fallout, the resistance. Where the tension is between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. When I am down on my knees, who or what do I believe?

That love is something to stand and fight for. Love is the movement. Love is a revolution. So let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin. Let my fingers crack and let my world fall apart. Let your love be strong! And I won’t care what goes down. There is no song louder than love.

I will take ownership of my faith in God and challenge it. I will stand on the edge of everything I’ve never been before. I know everything inside me looks like everything I hate. I realize that You are the hope I have for change. You are the only chance I’ll take. God gave His life to put motion in my soul. It’s bigger than cold religion. It’s bigger than life.

That it is okay to feel fear, anger, doubt, and despair. To ask, where is God in all this pain? Where is God in the earthquake? Where is God in the genocide? Will justice ever find me? Do the wicked never lose? My heart is darker than these oceans, my heart is frozen underneath. Oh Lord, why did you forsake me? Oh Lord, don’t be far away. Just let me know that You hear me. Let me know Your touch. Let me know that You love me and let that be enough.

And in this world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt, I was trying so hard to fit in. It was such a beautiful letdown when I found out that I really don’t belong here. I realized that only the losers win because they’ve got nothing to prove. They’ll leave this world with nothing to lose. I’ve got a contract pending on eternity. So if I haven’t already given it away, I’ve got a plan to lose it all.

I’m so desperate to be alive that I’ll give it all away. Nothing I was holding back remains. I’m looking for the grace of God today. Hallelujah, I'm caving in. Hallelujah, I'm in love again. Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance. God, this is the way that I say I need You. This is the way that I say I love You. This is the way that I say I’m yours. I am always Yours.

Please, sing to me the song of the stars of Your galaxy dancing and laughing. When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again. Your love is a symphony. It is all around me, running through me. Your love is a remedy. Your love is a song. And I will lift my hands and pray to be only Yours. I know now that You are my only hope.

I want Salvation to be the fire in the midnight of my soul. I want to see miracles, see the world change. I want to be a freedom fighter, to be a stand up kind of girl. I’m out to start a fire in this bar code plastic world. I want to burn out bright.

So thank you Jon Foreman and Switchfoot for making melodies and showing me my vice verses. 

9/26/2011: P.S Just saw them live in NYC and i am blown away. Jon's aftershow was amazing, right in the middle of Time Square. I got a signed copy of Vices Verses and t shirt FINALLY. A great album...Souvenirs and Restless are currently my favorites. But again, thank you Switchfoot (and Anberlin) for a great night. 

Roughly 30 minutes later: THE ENTIRE NEW ALBUM IS MY FAVORITE

 

Songs Mentioned

Good Night Punk

 Something More (Augustine’s Confession)

 Meant to Live

Gone

American Dream

Company Car

Stars

Mess of Me

Daylight to Break

Life and Love and Why

Awakening

Vice Verses

Faust, Midas and Myself

Dare You to Move

Innocence Again

Love is the Movement

Let Your Love Be Strong

The Sound (John M. Perkin’s Blues)

On Fire

The Blues

Let That Be Enough

The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

The Beautiful Letdown

Loser

Always

Learning to Breathe

Only Hope

Your Love is a Song

Amy’s Song

24

Burn Out Bright

On Dating...

So, have I told you about who I’ve been seeing lately? We talk every night. He’s a magnificent 
artist and so caring. He thinks about me all the time. He has a really weird sense of humor, 
but I’ve come to love it. It really is different this time with him. He’s always there for me. 
He continues to love me even when I’m at my worst.

The crazy thing is you all know him, or have at least heard about him. Some of you are really good friends with him.

Have you figured it out who he is?

I’m dating God.

Yes. I am fully aware how corny it sounds and how weird it can be taken. But hear me out.

Growing up as a ‘Christian Kid’, I went to youth group, to the retreats, the conferences, the camps. When I was 13, I did the whole True Love Waits ceremony … thing. I even have a promise necklace (that I kept breaking the chain. My parents and I were a bit worried what that could possibly mean…haha) Actually there was a time that my parents convinced me that I was going to have an arranged marriage, but that is another story all together on how my parents have a twisted sense of humor.

Purity, dating (in a negative sense) and ‘saving yourself’ for marriage were main topics as a Christian teen. Every devotional and Christian book written for young adults revolved around these topics. I got to a point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I got it, don’t be stupid when it comes to sex and boys. Plus, I already had it in my mind to just not date in high school. All I had to do was to look at my friends and the drama they were in. For me, that was better than any purity talk.

But there was always one phrase though always stuck with me, “A girl should be so lost in God that a boy must search Him to find her.”

After high school, there’s college. And suddenly I’m meeting a lot of new people, especially dorming at college and attending a new church. It was in those few years, I would learn a lot about people and relationships in general.

During last year, I had an unhealthy friendship with a guy. I think we both always knew, but when I finally was aware of how unhealthy it was (looking back, it was God really tugging at my heart.), I decided that we could not be friends and ended any and all form of communication with him. It was really hard because we talked everyday. Just to add to it all, I realized that I would not be able to attend college in the spring because I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Coincidentally, my family just happened to get Netflix. I caught up every night on my nerdy B-rated scifi tv shows and was finally able to finish Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And it was awesome.

But halfway through Buffy, I came to the conclusion that this may not be exactly the best way to deal with things.

It was in early January, the month of new beginnings and making resolutions. I make this resolution every year, but I was going to take it a bit more seriously. I decided to read the Bible in one year, and do a bible study/prayer journal/just spending time with God. I was already in the habit of talking to someone every night. So this time, it stuck.

By February, I jokingly told the small group I was attending at the time that I’ve been ‘rebounding’ on God in trying to explain my relationship and personal time with God.

Early summer, I noticed that I just wasn’t rebounding on God, but I really was dating Him. I have to say, dating God has been really wonderful. It has been a pretty tough year, but I know He’s not going to say “I can’t handle this, I’m leaving” or “Kristen, my feelings have changed…so…bye.” He will always be there. After knowing every thing about me, every detail, every mistake, every lie, every flaw, He still loves me. He’s given me confidence, understanding, strength, and love. He pursued me like none other, and continues to pursue me. All things a good boyfriend should do. Also all those things I heard about purity as a teen started to make a bit more sense to me now too.

After everything, I really never believed in dating for the sake of dating. I ‘date’ with the intention of finding someone I could make a life with. I’m also a huge fan of being friends with someone before you make that decision to be in a romantic relationship. My prayer has been that God will give me neon signs saying that He wants me to be with this person. Even if the relationship doesn’t end up with wedding bells, a white dress and a ring, I pray that it will bring me closer to God or to the person God wants him and I to be, to be a sacred moment.

I also think we should take our time too! Is it just me, or is it like the unwritten rule that if you are 23 and a Christian, you should be married or at least engaged.  I feel like every time I go on facebook, someone somewhere is engaged, or getting married. If you found that person, I am so happy for you and wish you the best, I truly do. But for the others who feel that pressure, we have our whole lives in front of us. Don’t stress about it. Take your time. Really figure out who you are and what complements you best. Focus on God and that person will appear out of nowhere, I’m sure. And when God shows you who that is, don’t let that person slip away.

But for now, I’m going to continue dating God. It’s something I think I will continue to do for the rest of my life. In doing this, I feel like when I’m actually in a relationship with whomever that man is, I’ll have a firm foundation. I want to be so lost in God that whoever my Husband will be has to search Him to find me. That is the type of man I want be with.

I dedicate this to all the Single Ladies (and even single guys too)

Authority

"Authority is given first by God and secondly by those who follow you. It is given, it is a gift not to be abused but to be protected, to be appreciated, to be valued, to realize how precious it is. So it is in your sphere and in your influence, we don't use it to control people or dictate to people! That is what insecure leaders do that do not know who they are in Christ. We use it to bless people, to build people up."

--Judah Smith