On Dating...

So, have I told you about who I’ve been seeing lately? We talk every night. He’s a magnificent 
artist and so caring. He thinks about me all the time. He has a really weird sense of humor, 
but I’ve come to love it. It really is different this time with him. He’s always there for me. 
He continues to love me even when I’m at my worst.

The crazy thing is you all know him, or have at least heard about him. Some of you are really good friends with him.

Have you figured it out who he is?

I’m dating God.

Yes. I am fully aware how corny it sounds and how weird it can be taken. But hear me out.

Growing up as a ‘Christian Kid’, I went to youth group, to the retreats, the conferences, the camps. When I was 13, I did the whole True Love Waits ceremony … thing. I even have a promise necklace (that I kept breaking the chain. My parents and I were a bit worried what that could possibly mean…haha) Actually there was a time that my parents convinced me that I was going to have an arranged marriage, but that is another story all together on how my parents have a twisted sense of humor.

Purity, dating (in a negative sense) and ‘saving yourself’ for marriage were main topics as a Christian teen. Every devotional and Christian book written for young adults revolved around these topics. I got to a point that I couldn’t take it anymore. I got it, don’t be stupid when it comes to sex and boys. Plus, I already had it in my mind to just not date in high school. All I had to do was to look at my friends and the drama they were in. For me, that was better than any purity talk.

But there was always one phrase though always stuck with me, “A girl should be so lost in God that a boy must search Him to find her.”

After high school, there’s college. And suddenly I’m meeting a lot of new people, especially dorming at college and attending a new church. It was in those few years, I would learn a lot about people and relationships in general.

During last year, I had an unhealthy friendship with a guy. I think we both always knew, but when I finally was aware of how unhealthy it was (looking back, it was God really tugging at my heart.), I decided that we could not be friends and ended any and all form of communication with him. It was really hard because we talked everyday. Just to add to it all, I realized that I would not be able to attend college in the spring because I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Coincidentally, my family just happened to get Netflix. I caught up every night on my nerdy B-rated scifi tv shows and was finally able to finish Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And it was awesome.

But halfway through Buffy, I came to the conclusion that this may not be exactly the best way to deal with things.

It was in early January, the month of new beginnings and making resolutions. I make this resolution every year, but I was going to take it a bit more seriously. I decided to read the Bible in one year, and do a bible study/prayer journal/just spending time with God. I was already in the habit of talking to someone every night. So this time, it stuck.

By February, I jokingly told the small group I was attending at the time that I’ve been ‘rebounding’ on God in trying to explain my relationship and personal time with God.

Early summer, I noticed that I just wasn’t rebounding on God, but I really was dating Him. I have to say, dating God has been really wonderful. It has been a pretty tough year, but I know He’s not going to say “I can’t handle this, I’m leaving” or “Kristen, my feelings have changed…so…bye.” He will always be there. After knowing every thing about me, every detail, every mistake, every lie, every flaw, He still loves me. He’s given me confidence, understanding, strength, and love. He pursued me like none other, and continues to pursue me. All things a good boyfriend should do. Also all those things I heard about purity as a teen started to make a bit more sense to me now too.

After everything, I really never believed in dating for the sake of dating. I ‘date’ with the intention of finding someone I could make a life with. I’m also a huge fan of being friends with someone before you make that decision to be in a romantic relationship. My prayer has been that God will give me neon signs saying that He wants me to be with this person. Even if the relationship doesn’t end up with wedding bells, a white dress and a ring, I pray that it will bring me closer to God or to the person God wants him and I to be, to be a sacred moment.

I also think we should take our time too! Is it just me, or is it like the unwritten rule that if you are 23 and a Christian, you should be married or at least engaged.  I feel like every time I go on facebook, someone somewhere is engaged, or getting married. If you found that person, I am so happy for you and wish you the best, I truly do. But for the others who feel that pressure, we have our whole lives in front of us. Don’t stress about it. Take your time. Really figure out who you are and what complements you best. Focus on God and that person will appear out of nowhere, I’m sure. And when God shows you who that is, don’t let that person slip away.

But for now, I’m going to continue dating God. It’s something I think I will continue to do for the rest of my life. In doing this, I feel like when I’m actually in a relationship with whomever that man is, I’ll have a firm foundation. I want to be so lost in God that whoever my Husband will be has to search Him to find me. That is the type of man I want be with.

I dedicate this to all the Single Ladies (and even single guys too)

Authority

"Authority is given first by God and secondly by those who follow you. It is given, it is a gift not to be abused but to be protected, to be appreciated, to be valued, to realize how precious it is. So it is in your sphere and in your influence, we don't use it to control people or dictate to people! That is what insecure leaders do that do not know who they are in Christ. We use it to bless people, to build people up."

--Judah Smith

Everyone You Meet

Current Read: Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

 
 I highly suggest this book. I finished it in one night and one day… I just could not put it down. Jay Asher’s debut novel was a brilliant and mind blowing read. And if you let it, this book truly pierces you to the heart.

“Hello, boys and girls. Hannah Baker here. Live and in stereo. No return engagements. No encore. And this time, absolutely no requests. I hope you’re ready, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you’re listening to the tapes, you’re one of the reasons why.”

The story is about the aftermath of girl who had lost all hope and faith in life and commits suicide. But, she created thirteen tapes for thirteen people the thirteen reasons why she did it. We hear the tapes from the perspective of Clay Jensen, a boy who doesn’t understand why he’s even on the tapes.

What scared me when I was reading the book was that I understood Hannah a little too well.

She didn’t have just one reason for what she did; it was one small thing that leads to another slightly bigger thing. “Everything…affects everything.” She referred to it as a snowball effect. It’s amazing how everything in life flows in and out of one another.

An ‘innocent’ rumor from a ‘slight’ exaggeration creates a reputation. An image people assume is really you, never trying or even wanting to find out the truth about a situation…or themselves.

"I guess that's the point of it all. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes we have no clue. Yet we push on just the same." –Hannah Baker

Do you ever wonder about this? How something you consider small affects someone else? The interactions we have with people, the true weight they could carry?

I constantly think about this. Isn’t it the smallest things that could change our life forever? It’s just one moment. A smile, a look, a hello, a goodbye, or simple silence could change our lives in a blink of an eye.

Also, fear. The fear of being hurt by others, the fear of rejection and of failure. This fear…it governs how we think, how we act. When you really think about it, it’s a very selfish way to be. How willing we are to take the blame off ourselves, to blame circumstance and others, but we never can blame ourselves. Our pride and our selfishness can cause so much pain and hurt and destruction…it can even take someone’s life.

Like Hannah, I’ve pushed people away after being hurt so much. To lose faith in people because of betrayal is a lonely place. You push everyone away as a last defense to protect yourself. I thank God that there is a God because when I was at my lowest, He truly held my hand and carried me through. I didn’t realize it then, but now looking back, I don't know where I would be without Him.

I won’t tell you Hannah’s reason for Clay, but it was an …interesting reason. If and when you read this book, all I will say is don’t let fear hold you back. Take a risk and live. What ifs are worse than apologies and mistakes. Even if it hurts right now, you at least can say that you tried. And in the end, trying and failing is better than never doing anything at all.

Read Hannah’s story. Learn from her mistakes. Learn from Clay’s mistake. Learn from her thirteen reasons.

And more importantly, live.

Brazil: Tudo Bem? Tudo Bem :)

the Brazil team

First, I thank all of you for your prayers and what you gave so I could even go on this life-changing trip to Brazil. It was a humbling experience for me as well as a reminder how truly blessed I am.

A few weeks before I was supposed to be leaving, I didn’t think I was able to go to Brazil. I was feeling so much doubt and the last thing I wanted to be doing was leaving the country to go on a mission’s trip. I didn’t even know how I was going to pay for any of it on time. I was already discussing with the leaders of the trip about pulling out at that point. A few days later, I get a call from one of them saying someone had anonymously decided to cover the rest of my finances so I could go. I was in absolute shock and astounded. God had performed a miracle and I now knew I had to go to Brazil. Thank you so much anonymous person, I am so grateful and I hope you read this.

The church that hosted this trip, Princeton Alliance Church is affiliated with something called Hope Unlimited. Hope started because in the early 90’s, street kids were literally being shot and killed because they were seen as a ‘public nuisance.’ The best way I can explain what Hope Unlimited today is an orphanage the Brazilian government sends children who are so physically, mentally and/or emotionally abused and cannot stay in their current situations anymore. They take in kids and give them an education, structure, and most importantly, love. If you would like to read more about Hope Unlimited, click here!

The specific purpose of our trip was to help out with a camp/retreat during their winter break. (Fun Fact: Brazil has winter and it’s actually cold at night. Like down to 40’s cold.)

After our 10 hour flight that I could not sleep on, we landed in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Brazil itself is an amazing and distinctive country. At first, and through out the entire trip, I was taken aback by the graffiti. I didn’t realize that Brazil was in fact known for its street art and graffiti. They truly take their street art seriously. It was beautiful and gritty and so full of talent. The graffiti was definitely a huge reflection of Brazil’s culture and the people’s struggle with such vast differences in class, poverty and government. The craziest thing…I can’t even fathom that this even happens… is this thing called an Invasion. A lot of the favelas, or slums, are created this way. From what I understood it to be is that people come together and plan to invade a piece of private but open land, then they take whatever they can, wood, cardboard, tarp, anything, to create a ‘shack’ and claim that piece of land as their own. If the government does not intervene fast enough, that land legally becomes theirs. I was amazed that something like that happens today. 

The town right outside the Cidade Dos Meninos

City of the Children, this is where the boys live and go to school.

One of the girl's houses where we had lunch.

The camp itself, with my darling friend, Lindsay.

Now, I love doing camp. I’ve done some form of camp every summer for as long as I can remember. And I’m pretty sure I have done it all. I’ve attended day camps, sleep away camps, been a counselor for both day camp and sleep away camp ( any age between preschool through junior high), been in charge of crafts, bible time, drama, and music, photography/media, ect. In short, I love camp.  But, I have to say that this camp was awesome. It was nestled in the hills and the view I woke up to was simply…gorgeous. The kids were so friendly and loving. I felt so blessed by all of them. Many kids (and adults) thought I was Brazilian and would assume I spoke Portuguese fluently, which caused hilarious situations.  I tried learning as much as I could, but I simply could not get it down. (So I made sure to be really good friends with one of the translators and we actually became really good friends by the end of the week.) But even with the massive language barrier between the kids and I, I learned that friendship bracelets, face painting, and sarcasm transcend all differences.

face painting

If you are more curious about the whole camp experience and Princeton Alliance Church’s relationship with them, check out their Brazil Missions blog and the blog, Refuge Benefit Concerts, which is how I first heard about Hope Unlimited. 

 

On our last day there, the buses were supposed to pick us up in the afternoon but they would end up coming later that night. After packing and cleaning up the camp, we all had a time to just relax and process the week. I took this moment to sneak off from the group and lay on one of the main hills to look at the stars. There were so many stars, and they look so different to me that night.

During that time, I simply was a mess. I was just having this conversation with God about so many things. My heart was breaking for these children that I had spent the week with, my relationships with people back home, the idea of letting go, and of forgiveness. One of the main themes of the week was being challenged to not just exist, but to live out the big things God has called us to do.  I find that we we are so easily blinded by our issues and failures that we forget how blessed we are. Brazil and the wonderful, beautiful kids at Hope reminded me how blessed I am, to be grateful and to be content in all situations. Basic principles, but when you let those sink in, they are powerful and will change how you live everyday. I never want to forget how to live with gratitude and awareness of others, in honor of the kids I spent my week with. It is the very least I can do for them.

GO BLUE TEAM!!!

Saude, Kristen. 

[Eden]

"We all long for [Eden], and we are constantly glimpsing it: our whole nature...is still soaked with the sense of exile."

J.R.R. Tolkien

The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien

it's a way to live.

All We Need Is Love

I had every intention of writing sooner, but I was on an amazing missions trip to Brazil (in which I will write about in a later post). I really want to thank everyone for all the support and the encouragement. Words simply cannot explain how completely overwhelmed and grateful I am for it all.

The inspiration of my last post was on how the love between God and us, the love between a bride and groom, has been distorted and forgotten in the Church.  The greatest and most famous chapter on love which is in countless romance movies, TV shows, novels and performed at so many weddings was not written for a lovesick boy or girl, but from Paul to the church at Corinth.

1 Corinthians 13:1-7, 13

   ¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^{3 -7}If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end…

… ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

No matter how many ‘good’ things we do, no matter how much money we raise for charities, no matter how many meals we give to the poor, no matter how many people attend our services, no matter how awesome you preach, teach or reach the ‘lost’, if you do all these things with out love…it is nothing. It is worthless and it is a failure, a clanging cymbal.

I ask you, what makes my story, and countless others, so terribly wrong?  It is because it was handled without love. I can understand personal differences or not seeing things eye to eye, but with how we were treated, there was no love.

I think many of us in the Church have forgotten our purpose and even forgotten the God that has called us. We have missed our charge, getting caught up in the traditions and the religion of things.  In Matthew 22:36-40, “³⁶‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?’ ³⁷And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.’ ”

The solution to our problem is not criticizing or pointing fingers at one another. I’m tired of people complaining, bashing and knocking the church. I’m tired of hearing people talking about what is wrong with the church and not doing anything.  I still love the church dearly. It is out of that love I say these things.

And the solution is not isolation. I know how hard is to be open to a new group of believers after being so hurt and ruined by another. To be honest, I haven’t attended a church on a Sunday regularly because just the act of getting up and getting ready Sunday morning is still too painful for me. But I have to realize that this is but a passing shadow. A new day will come, and I will find home with a group of fellow believers… But for right now, I am surrounding myself with other strong Christians, hanging out with them and spending time with them regularly. I constantly am seeking God as to where He needs me to go.  I have not given up on the Church.

When I decided to share my story, it was not to point fingers or to blame someone, but to point out an issue that needs to be addressed. I knew what I was going to say would be controversial, but in the end I knew it was something that needed to be said. My prayer was that in sharing my story, that God would be able to use me. Even though what I went through was terrible and painful, that God will still get the glory.

Before I had decided to post my story, I was reminded of another story. It starts in Acts 4 with Peter and John standing before the council and it continues in chapter 5:12 – 42 when the Peter and the apostles were arrested for spreading the gospel. It is a favorite of mine and I highly suggest you read these stories in their entirety. But a few verses have always stood out for me:

Acts 4:13

 ¹³ Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus.

Acts 5:38-39

³⁸So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; ³⁹but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!" So they took his advice.

This is exactly how I felt – small, uneducated and common. My prayer for months now has been to have the boldness that Peter and John had, to be bold about the things of God and God’s plan for my life. Even the Sadducees realized that their boldness was not their own, but God’s. One of the chief Sadducees, Gamaliel, had the wisdom to see that if what Peter and John doing was of God, it would not fail. In their own blindness, they could be found opposing God. 

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We have all seen this problem. The solution is we have to remember to love. Selflessly, boldly, unconditionally, just how Christ loves you and I. Have you ever loved someone despite their flaws, your personal differences and without expecting anything back? It is the most beautiful thing in this life. Only by God’s help, because I most certainly cannot on my own, I am trying to love the people, the Church, who have hurt me.

The only way we can change the Church is for us to change ourselves. My intention was to stir hearts, to open people’s eyes. I challenge you to seek God and pray about this. I challenge all of us to now act upon this knowledge, to not be silent anymore. I challenge you to search your own heart…to love, to be bold, to act. Let us pray for the boldness of the apostles, the boldness of Peter and Paul. Let us speak truth like Christ. Let us unite under God’s love and let us start a change that is so desperately needed. Stand with me, for we are the Church, my brothers and my sisters. I cannot do this alone.

My church broke up with me… again.

Update 8/9/2011: My response to this blog is All We Need Is Love

Recently the only songs I was listening were to songs like…

I’m Gonna Find Another You by John Mayer

So Long by Guster

Heartless by Kanye West (actually just the covers from Kris Allen and The Fray)

I was curious as to why I was gravitating to these songs. I haven’t been in a relationship in a while. Then it hit me. I was in a relationship. I was in a relationship with the Church. And the Church has broken up with me…again.

The Church in the bible is often referred to as the bride of Christ and compared to a marriage. Now, we live in an imperfect, sin-filled world. Church has turned from a loving wife figure to the vindictive and manipulative psycho girlfriend we have all come to hate and make fun of.

See, I’ve grown up in Church and I have gotten to know her very well. My family was always involved with Church. My parents taught me to love Church. I had my flings with different types of churches, checking out the ones my friends would go to.

Then it crept on me. Just like the friend that I had grew up with, somewhere after puberty, I realized I had fallen in love.

I was almost 16. It was my first relationship, my first love. I was young and naïve, and head over heels. I felt like I had belonging and a purpose. I spent every moment with Church, giving her all my time. And I really didn’t mind. I loved being part of something bigger than myself. I was incredibly involved with my youth group with planning events, making friends, and sharing my love with everyone. I would even help out with the younger kids on Wednesday nights only because Church would want me to.

It was the summer before senior year and I was looking forward to all the great times we were planning to have. We had just come back from an amazing missions trip in Portugal. I was so excited, looking at colleges, going to open houses on the weekends, thinking about the future, and pursuing my dreams in art that Church had help me discover and encouraged me to follow.

A couple weeks before my 17^th birthday, I got an email. Church said since I have not been attending or giving as much I use to, that I needed to ‘step down’ from my leadership roles. I reminded Church that she knew it was for college and I thought she supported me. But, after all my time spent, I was not given a real answer other than I wasn’t giving her enough time. So Church broke up with me over an email. Then would ignore me for the next three months when I needed Church most. That year, my family would lose our home in foreclosure.

I missed Church even though I was heartbroken. I felt hurt and betrayed. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I had to cling on to the hope that God will provide just like He promises.  But like every first break up, I developed trust issues.

I would end up rebounding with another Church for a while. I was trying to learn to like church again.  But I think I knew, she was not the one. That is when I was introduced to the younger Sister Church they wanted to plant 20 minutes away. This Church was different. This Church was all about helping out the community in whatever way possible. She was genuine, passionate and so alive. Plus, it looked like she had a decent style and a real appreciation for art.

Now more experienced at the wise and old age of 19, I was going to approach this relationship with more seriousness and maturity. The walls I had put around my heart began to fall as I slowly let Church in again. I was making serious plans for my life based around Church. I spent a lot of time again, getting very involved now as a youth leader and graphic designer/artist/whenever-they-needed-someone-to-make-something-look-visually-awesome-person. Church would ask me to do paintings for her live during the services. And through Church, I would meet a lot of people. So when I wasn’t able to attend college anymore, I still had Church.

After about a year and a half, I noticed something was off…Church felt a little different, a little distant. But I knew that no Church was perfect and I continued on.

On a warm summer Tuesday evening, Church broke up with me…again. This time, Church just ignored me and would tell our friends that it was for the best. It was hard decision, but it simply was not working out. After giving Church a good two years of my life, she simply said, I don’t think this is working…to other people. The friends I met through Church would ask if I could come back to Church. How could I stop going? But I don’t think they realize the full story. Or could even get it, because our Church could not be that harsh. Church would not take me back, or even want to be friends

What is the point of Church? What is the Church supposed to even be? Church has hurt so many people in so many painful and cruel ways.

Call me a hopeless romantic, I still believe in Church. I know that God provided a family for us all because we do need it. And just as we are all different and imperfect, so is Church. It’s why there’s so many. I’m not to argue that small churches are better than huge churches or vice versa. I’m not here to even argue denominations either. I am definitely not educated enough to even start that mess. But I can tell you one thing, Church is not a building. Church is not ministry, a mission statement, a list of rules, or a logo. Church is people, a family who claim that God created us and sent His holy and perfect son Jesus Christ to die for our sins so that we may have eternal life. I think that is our biggest mistake.

We confuse Church with politics or Church with business, meanwhile the entire Church, is family.

⁴²And they steadfastly persevered, devoting themselves constantly to the instruction and fellowship of the apostles, to the breaking of bread, including the Lord's Supper, and prayers.

    ⁴³And a sense of awe and reverential fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were performed through the apostles, the special messengers.

    ⁴⁴And all who adhered to and trusted in and relied on Jesus Christ were united and together they had everything in common;

    ⁴⁵And they sold their possessions, both their landed property and their movable goods, and distributed the price among all, according as any had need.

    ⁴⁶And day after day they regularly assembled in the temple with united purpose, and in their homes they broke bread. They partook of their food with gladness and simplicity and generous hearts,

    ⁴⁷Constantly praising God and being in favor and goodwill with all the people; and the Lord kept adding to their number daily those who were being saved from spiritual death.

Acts 2: 42-47

My art is that of living