Till We Have Faces

“Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek the Fox would say, ‘Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that’s the whole art and joy of words.’

A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced to at last utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you’ll not talk of the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

-Orual's discussion of the gods.

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis

It’s been a while since I’ve last written. I could tell you that I have been busy (which is very true, I recently moved, I have two new, different jobs and I have been attending a new church somewhat regularly – though I still have commitment issues.)

But honestly, that’s not it at all. I’ve been afraid to write. I started to realize the responsibility of this blog and worst of all, I began to feel doubt.

Why would God use me? I’m a mess. I’m childish. I make so many mistakes. I’m selfish. And this is all a terrible thing to believe. Well yes, my failures are true, but to doubt the statement:

Why would God use me?

That doubt followed by the confusion of “Who am I, really?” that I was dealing with, would unravel me.

Suddenly I was 21, and all the rules changed. And everything else changed too. The places I worked. The people I knew. The places I worshipped. The house I lived in.

But I am no stranger to change. I’ve dealt with worse. What was it this time?

I have a rather strange talent. I may forget your name or where I put my phone or what I may have done yesterday, but I can remember the exact date of certain things. Usually it’s the date of when I first meet someone. And sometimes, I’ll even remember what you wore.

Now August will always remind me of someone, someone who I considered to be one of my closest friends. We became friends in August and then we ‘unbecame’ friends in August, almost on the same exact day, just five years apart.

Six years ago, next week, I hung out with a family that I had known most of my life, but it was that day that I met my dearest friend. It’s funny how you could know someone all your life and yet never be friends with them and suddenly be friends. How often can you genuinely say to someone, “You too? I thought I was the only one!”

We would grow closer, but due to distance and time, we would grow apart.

One year ago, next week, we hung out for the first time in a really long time. And it felt like how it used to be.

But the great time we were having would soon end… and turn into an argument that would last two weeks.

One of the last things he would ever say to me was, “I don’t think I could be friends with a girl like you.”

It doesn’t matter whom I was arguing with or what we were arguing about or even who was right or wrong. I’m pretty sure neither of us were right or wrong. But it was a simple phrase that changed my entire view of who I was. It would echo in everything I would do and every decision I would make.

What kind of girl am I? Am I a girl who drinks? Am I a girl who will finish her college degree? Am I a girl who still believes in the Church? Am I girl who writes? Am I a girl who could trust people? Am I girl that God could use, that God would want to use?

All these questions, I became a shadow of the girl I could be. I was so afraid that I simply stopped asking, not doing anything. I just gave up. I gave up on writing. I gave up on art. I gave up on people. And in giving up in all those things, I gave up on God.

See, I’ve been quite lost these last few months and that is why I haven’t really been writing.

But God, He never left me. I found myself in Him again in the last few weeks. And in the last few weeks, the Devil has been throwing so many distractions and doubts my way to keep me lost.

I still don’t know what kind of girl I am. I know I’m a girl who has made mistakes. I know I am a girl who is selfish. I know I’m a girl who has hurt people and has been hurt by people. I know I’m a girl who is terribly afraid of not being enough.

But God found me, and He loves me so much that He gave up His son to die for me.

And really, isn’t that all that truly matters in the end? That is when we have found our face, our true face, His.

Definitions Part 1: Jesus vs Religion

Anyone who sets himself up as “religious” by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes and musters before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and the loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.

James 1:26,27 MSG

So this video had taken over my Facebook newsfeed the other week. It went viral. Everyone was reposting. And after watching it myself, I reposted it because I understood and agreed with the poet, Jefferson Bethke. Then the next week, the Christian blogosphere went crazy. Suddenly everyone was freaking out over how illogical, condescending, inaccurate, and unchristian this video was. I watched it again with a more critical eye, and I think many of us are missing Bethke’s point.

When I was in high school and people would find out I was a Christian, the conversation would go something like this:

“Oh, so you’re religious?”

I would say something like this, probably rolling my eyes at this point. “NO. It’s more than that just religion. Its more than just something I do.”

I have always hated that term. Always. To me, it meant two things, (1) doing something superstitiously in hopes of saving my own soul and (2) those who showed off their religion like one who flaunted his knowledge to make you feel stupid, one who overly demonstrates his power just to make you feel worthless, or one who shows his opulence to make you feel poor, to put it simply, religious pride. Either way, ‘religion’ seems to always have man at its center.

Looking at history, religion has a terrible track record with the Crusades, the Inquisition, and even the current war of terrorism. Religion has developed many negative connotations to it, despite the actual definition of it (literal definition). Man using ‘religion’ to accomplish his own personal goals. What a perversion of what we are supposed to be? We can’t keep sweeping this under the rug anymore.

In the video Bethke is referring to the modern day Sadducees and Pharisees. Let me make it a bit more personal, more post-modern for you. When I say religion, I think we can expand that to church pride. The men who pride themselves on how good they were at the law, at church, than what the law/church was supposed to be, and condemning those who could not do it as good as they did. The elite, the self-righteous, the hypocrites.

Religion has become focused on how man can save himself. It has become a selfish thing. There is nothing real, no authentic faith or genuine conviction. It was all about how could I make my own name better, how could use this for my own glory. As Bethke, says it’s become this list of chores, a façade, behavior modification. Religion has become a mask to hide behind and to judge others from. And it’s this type of religion is bondage and makes many into slaves.

Religion could be dressed up so close to the truth, that we sometimes don’t even realize how blind we are to the real truth.

 Before we jump to conclusions about how terrible this video is, take one second and think. Are you upset because you are personally offended and sought to defend yourself? Or can you take your eyes off yourself and realize the point of this video, that maybe we’re losing sight of the humbling, Christ-centered truth?

"Whenever we find that our religious life is making us feel that we are good- above all, that we are better than someone else- I think we maybe sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but by the devil." 

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

The title of the video is this: that Jesus is GREATER than a religion man created. Instead of you or I trying (and failing Romans 3:23) to save ourselves by being ‘religious’, Jesus saved us already. He abolished the need for man to save himself. Jesus was the fulfillment of the Law. Up until that point, we had to sacrifice animals and perform rituals of cleansing. But when God sent His son as the Ultimate sacrifice. We no longer ‘needed’ the law for that purpose. The curtain was torn. (Matt 27:51)

The rest of the New Testament is spent trying to explain the idea of grace and works go together, hand in hand. Religion, or works, alone does not work and belief alone doesn’t make sense. Both are natural requirements. (James 2:14-26 and Romans 2:12-29, 3:21-26)

“For a God humbled himself to become man, so religion humbled itself to become Christianity.”

 -C.S. Lewis

Letters to Mary Van Deusen

February 5, 1956

So then what is Christianity? What makes someone or something Christian? I would like to know what you think. 

For my thoughts, check out my next post. 

My Top Reads from 2011

It’s January. We all make some form of resolutions every New Year’s Eve that we hope to keep. For some of us, that resolution is to read more often. And if any of you are as unbelievably picky as I am when it comes to books, sometimes that resolution is incredibly hard.

These are a few of the books I was able to read this past year, and hopefully it will help you pick out some books you would like to read.

My Top Ten

10. Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis.

This was my most recent read. I was working at a mall for the holiday season, and I would normally spend my breaks at Barnes and Noble. Soon, I was known as the C.S. Lewis Girl when I would grab my Starbucks.

Out of the Silent Planet is the first installment in C.S. Lewis’s Space Trilogy. It’s main character, Ransom, is a philologist who is kidnapped by a mad scientist and taken to the planet Perelandra. Your normal sci-fi beginning, but the story, as it unfolds, unfolds in a beautiful and thought provoking way. I have yet to read the rest of the trilogy but I fell in love with the unconventional narrative and ideas that go much deeper to your heart.

I suggest this if you already a fan of Lewis. Bonus points if you are a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien and Lord of the Rings. The language the natives speak on Malacandra is similar to elvish and Ransom seems to be based off of Tolkien himself.

9. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.

Yes, another Lewis book. And there will be one more on this list. I read this earlier in the summer when I was going through a hard time, an almost figurative death of something dear to me. It is a heart-wrenching read. A man in such raw form, expressing his grief over his wife, I felt honored that he was able to do this.

I suggest that you pick up this book and read it to familiarize yourself with it so when a tragedy does happen, you can read this and know that you are not alone.

8. Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

If you have been reading my blog for a while, I had written a post about this novel over the summer. I couldn’t put it down. It is about a boy, Clay who finds a bag full of cassettes. He starts listening to them, realizing that it is Hannah Baker, explaining to thirteen people the thirteen reasons why she had committed suicide. It sounds incredibly morbid, but it is ultimately a story about actions and consequences and being aware of others.

"I guess that's the point of it all. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes we have no clue. Yet we push on just the same." 

–Hannah Baker

You can read more on my previous post here.

You would probably like this book if you have read The Perks of being a Wallflower (which is a book I finally just read. I liked it, but it’s definitely PG13.)

7&6. Love Wins by Rob Bell and Erasing Hell by Francis Chan

Two books I already have a post on as well. I only suggest you read Love Wins so you can read Francis Chan’s response to it in Erasing Hell.

As a Christian, I think you should really figure out what you believe. I feel like Love Wins does approach subjects that Christians tend to avoid and the reasons non-Christians bring up when they explain why they don’t believe in God or Jesus. Though, I don’t approve the conclusions the Bell is leading you to believe (he never quite comes out and say it).

If you want to explore more on this subject, I suggest a lot of prayer and these books: Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, and The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis, The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, The Dawkins Delusion by Alister McGrath, and god is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens.

5,4 & 3. The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

If you haven’t heard of Hunger Games, then you must be living under a rock. I first heard of this book last spring from my friend, who is a middle school English teacher. I picked it up and was instantly hooked. I managed to get my sister and my entire small group hooked on the series as well.

The story is set in the ‘near future’ where America no longer exists, but is now called Panem which has been separated into 13 districts ruled by the Capitol. After District 13 tries to revolt, it was annihilated. The Capitol decides as punishment to hold the Hunger Games, where each district picks one boy and one girl between the ages 12 – 17 for televised gladiator games. Each child has to fight to the death, with only one winner.

And that’s only the beginning. The way the story unfolds is brilliant and unexpected with incredibly dynamic characters. You will be crying.

If you liked Harry Potter, you probably already have read this. I just fell in love with the idea that one girl can spark a fire in a nation of people. CAN’T WAIT for the movie in March. MIDNIGHT SHOWING. DRESSING UP. HECK YES.

2. ‘Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis

I had never heard of this book till a little over a year ago when a few of my friends were reading it. I ended up buying it over the summer for my 10 hr flight to Brazil, but I realized this is definitely not a ‘easy read’. I think I had read it three or four times this year.

It is the retelling of the Cupid and Psych myth through the perspective of Psyche’s sister, Orual. But that’s just the surface. The story is essentially Orual’s case against the gods, if the gods exist at all. There are so many levels to this book that the first time I read it, my mind was blown by just the sheer depth. I unintentionally wrote a letter/essay while I was staying a few days at a beach house on the jersey shore (the week of Hurricane Irene) which I will be editing as a post in the near future. 

This might be my favorite work of C.S. Lewis, and possibly his most personal, at least it was to me. I suggest it if you enjoy Greek mythology, ancient history and classic literature. 

" 'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words' ...I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, or let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?" 

-Orual remembering her mentor, Fox
Book II, Till We Have Faces

1. The Bible

This was the first year where I actually read the Bible almost every day, cover to cover. I read the New Testament twice and most of the Old Testament except for the minor prophets. (If anyone knows of a good book that explains/gives historical context for the minor prophets, that would be great.) Being able to do that gave me real context to the book that we base our faith and modern western civilization on. The two things I walked away with were, (1) the New Testament has way more references to the Old Testament than I ever realized and (2) you should always read the genealogies, you never what two-verse story you might miss.

My Other Suggestions (the honorable mentions)

If you like young adult fantasy…

The Books of Pellinor by Allison Croggon: If you like Lord of the Ring you would love the four part series about a girl and her lyre on an epic journey against evil incarnate in a Middle Earth like landscape.

Reckless by Cornelia Funke: I was a huge fan of her Inkheart series, but Reckless series is completely different. It is based of german fairy tales and a modern take on the Grim Brothers.

The Warrior Heir by Williams Chima: A good, fun easy read. Its about a 16 yr old boy who discovers he is both a wizard and a warrior, and two ancient warring wizard groups are fighting to have him on their side.

If you like historical fiction…

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova: You are taken on academic adventure across early 20^th century Eastern Europe over three generations of mysterious murders and disappearances with all evidence pointing to Dracula. Warning: if you don’t like history or a lot of textbook-like information, this book is probably not for you.

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen: Set during the depression. After the recent death of his parents, vet-student Jacob runs away the day of his final exams when he realizes he can’t pay his college tuition. The train he jumps on happens to be a circus train. A rather interesting love story between Jacob, Rosie the elephant and Marlena, a performer, wife of the circus ringmaster, that takes an interesting turn. I didn’t see the movie so I have no opinions about the film.

in his own Gethsemane...

"This book is a man emotionally naked in his own Gethsemane. It tells of agony and the emptiness of a grief such a few of us have to bear, for the greater the love the greater the grief, and the stronger the faith the more savagely will Satan storm its fortress”

Douglas H. Gresham

Introduction to A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis